My Uchiha Matriarch
by Quintessentia
Summary: “Naruto, it’s time for you to leave. You’re disrespecting the very air of our house with your abominable excuse for dancing, and you are interrupting my Sakura-fantasies.” ::SasuSaku:: CRACK.


Um, what can I say? It's 11:45 PM and I just wrote a random crack fic. Satisfied?

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto because if I did I would be making millions off of writing and drawing for my favorite manga instead of putting off studying for my English and Math tests tomorrow. Grr.

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Twitch.

Glare.

Naruto made a coughing noise.

Blink. Blink.

Kakashi was submerged in porn, occasional giggles being heard.

Page turn.

His soon-to be pink-haired wife puttered around their new kitchen, making supper for the reinstated Team Seven, humming one of her latest favorite songs.

Tch. Annoying.

Sasuke imagined dinner with his fiancée, without the dobe or his currently pink faced and tittering former-sensei. Ah, wishful thinking.

He grunted, "Oi, loser, why are you and Kakashi in my house? Get out and go pay for your own meals."

"Sasuke-kun!" Sakura scolded him, retying the (_adorable, he thought_) apron around her waist, and narrowing her eyes at him, "Naruto and Kakashi-sensei are just fine. I'm making plenty enough food for all of us. Now go be a good boy and wash your hands so you can help me cut the vegetables. Shoo!" She flicked her dainty nails at him and turned back to the task at hand.

"Hn. Dobe, leave Sakura's cutting knives alone, they're for adults only, and you might lose an eye. Kakashi, put that damned porn away while you are in my house and around my wife."

"She's not your wife yet teme!" Naruto shouted after the bastard as he sauntered away to the washroom, "She's still got time to come to her senses and find a real man, her one true love!"

Somewhere on the other side of Konoha, Rock Lee faked a massive sneeze.

Sasuke continued walking in the other direction, rounding a corner murmuring something that sounded like, "Usuratonkaichi."

Sakura pecked Naruto on the cheek and giggled, "Sorry, you know I love you too, but Sasuke asked first."

"But Sakura-chaaaan," Naruto whined, scratching an ear, "Out of all the other guys you could have gotten, why'd you have to pick the asshole? He's probably gay anyway!"

"Grrr." Sasuke gave a growl from behind the dividing wall, obviously not liking the assault on his supposed sexual orientation.

"Sasuke-kuuuun…" Sakura's voice carried a threatening tone, "Wash. Hands. Now."

Relaxing on the couch in the opposite corner of the room, their silver-haired no-longer-a-sensei remained blissfully oblivious to his old team's senseless bickering.

Sakura flicked her hyperactive teammate's ear and promptly dragged him over to her newly-stocked fridge, "Here, make yourself useful before Sasu-kun gets back and find me the teriyaki sauce I bought yesterday at the market."

"Okay!" the blonde grinned cheerfully as he bent down to rummage through the contents of the fridge, "Oh wow, Sakura-chan! Look at all the food you guys have in here! Did you and Sasuke-teme go on a grocery date yesterday?"

The nineteen-year old pinkette bopped her friend on the head playfully as she steamed some green bell peppers, adding a little salt every now and then. Naruto, after a few minutes of searching for the small container, produced a miniature bottle of teriyaki sauce, sporting a wide triumphant grin.

Sasuke trotted back into the front of his house a minute later, to find Naruto rinsing the thawed chicken and his beloved steaming the rice along with her peppers. He came up behind Sakura quietly, and rested a hand on her pink head.

She turned to him and smiled happily, "Did you wash your hands Sasu-kun? Good! Come over here and chop up these tomatoes and onions for me please. And no sneaking helpings of the tomatoes when you think I'm not looking, Darling. Remember, I see everything, sweetcakes." She smiled sickeningly sweet and tapped him on the nose, in the middle of his scowling face, then returned to her rice and green vegetables.

Sasuke ignored his idiotic best friend's disturbing dance moves while pounding the still raw chicken, and focused more on how Sakura's lips looked quite similar to his equally delicious tomatoes, finding himself wondering how they would taste together.

The blonde idiot's wild dancing was the only thing that finally snapped him out of his cravings-induced fantasy of his pretty, pretty Sakura on his bed in a very _tiny_ tomato-patterned dress, tauntingly nibbling on one of the scrumptious red fruits, when Naruto crash landed into a wooden countertop in a daredevil attempt to pirouette around a low table in the middle of the room.

"Uhhggh…" the idiot groaned in pain as Sasuke abandoned his tomato slicing and Sakura-daydreams to glare at his rival disdainfully.

"Naruto, it's time for you to leave. You're disrespecting the very air of our house with your abominable excuse for dancing, and you are interrupting my Sakura-fantasies."

Sakura squeaked in surprise and flushed a bright-ha-tomato red. Kakashi looked up from his book momentarily, as the moron attempted to get back on his clumsy feet.

"Your Sa-"

"Leave. And take Kakashi with you, he's not doing anything anyway."

"But you just said-"

"This is an important mealtime for only Uchihas."

Naruto crossed his arms indignantly, thrusting out his bottom lip in a pout, "So then why is Sakura-chan in here too?!"

Sakura remained facing away from the two, her long hair brushing over her backside as she bent over the sink of her future kitchen, "Because Sakura's going to become one in a few weeks, Naru-chan dearest." She purred, her voice moving like sickeningly sweet syrup on a hot plate as a wry fake smile crossed her lips.

"Anyway," Sasuke continued, glaring pointedly at his best friend, "You were just stumbling over to the door, dobe?"

Naruto stuck a finger in Sasuke's face, "Don't give me your 'This is important Uchiha business' crap, bastard spawn! You and I both know that you're just waiting for me to leave so you can lure our precious innocent Sakura-chan into your '_love arena_' with your '_dashingly handsome dark looks_' and steal her virginity fifteen times over all ni- OW! SAKURA-CHAN! DON'T HIT ME WITH YOUR SCARY SPATULA OF DOOM! YOU KNOW THE TEME HERE JUST WANTS TO REVIVE HIS CLAN! I BET HE'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SEX-CRAZED HORN-DOG BEFORE YOU GUYS EVEN PICK OUT THE BEDSHE- AH! NO! NOT THE SPORKS! YOU KNOW I HAVE CLINICAL SPORKAPHOBIA! TEME MOVE YOUR BASTARD ASS AND-HEEEEELLLLPPPP!!"

"Naruto, get the fuck out of my house, and Sakura, put the eating utensils down, his screaming is making my ears bleed."

"I'LL KILL YOU BAST-EEP!"

Their long forgotten not-a-sensei grabbed Naruto by his yellow spikes and began to haul him out the front door, giving a little wave to the happy couple as Naruto protested loudly, "LET ME GO! I HAVE TO PROTECT MY DEAR DARLING SAKURA-CHAN FROM THAT BASTARD'S AVENGER!HORMONES! YOU DON'T WANT HER TO LOSE HER VIRGINITY TO THAT, THAT MAN-WHORE! SAKURA-CHAN, DON'T LET HIM TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOUR UNBELIEVABLE HOTNESS! RESISIT THE TEMPTATION! RESIST THE TE-GAAAAARRGHHHH!!"

POW.

A blond ninja flew up past the ozone layer.

"CURSE YOU BASTARD SPAWN!!"

Sakura blinked prettily, "Mou, Sasuke-kun, why are you trying to prevent Naruto from having kids?"

"Hn. We don't need him procreating. I'd turn to becoming a missing ninja all over again."

Seeing her stricken face, he quickly added, "But I'd take you with me this time," and looked away.

She brightened, "Sasuke-kun!" and pounced.

He let her arms wrap around him and snuggle him as they ignored the water boiling over in the pot behind them.

Sakura purred like a cat as she kissed his ear and giggled.

Sasuke tightened his hold on her possessively and smirked smugly.

"_Hn. Stupid Dobe. She's my Uchiha Matriarch."_

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Um, yeah, so that's it. Review, cause I'm sacrificing study time to write this for you.


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